


Strangely Alright

by priestessamy



Category: Sayonara Wild Hearts (Video Game)
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Drug Use, F/F, Healing, Heartbreak, Mental Health Issues, Polyamory, Trans Female Character, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-04
Updated: 2020-03-31
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:42:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22107277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/priestessamy/pseuds/priestessamy
Summary: The Fool needs to sort herself out. So she's going back over her past breakups to try and figure out where she screwed up.
Comments: 15
Kudos: 46





	1. Who Are We Fooling?

So my therapist says that sometimes writing stuff down can help with sorting through it all. I guess I've heard worse ideas.

I don't mean to be so dismissive. She's a wizard. Hell, let's call her Magician.

What was it he used to say in that old crime show? The story I'm about to tell you is true. The names of all those involved have been altered to protect the innocent, the guilty, and everyone in-between. So let's start with me. We'll keep this tortured literary device going – call me Fool. I think that's a pretty good name. Very descriptive. Because I'm an idiot. I've done a lot of idiot things. And I have so much more time on this planet to do a lot more idiot things. But... maybe I can't do that if I stay in the middle of this breakdown. So. Therapy.

It was my moms' idea. Oh, right, I guess that's a weird statement for some people. Moms, plural. Three, of them. Empress, Priestess, and Heirophant. I wasn't doing so hot. I had that quarter-life crisis on lock-down. They'd had enough of my moping. You can only do that for so long before something has to happen. I was dubious, but... Magician is actually really great. Very understanding. When you're trans, finding a decent therapist is the worst. What if they're some kind of conservative or a TERF or something? But her? She's amazing. And that voice, it's so calming! Every time I think I'm going to lose it, she says something cool and I'm suddenly fine.

I guess... Okay, have you ever seen High Fidelity? Or read it? I know you have, because I'm the only one reading this. Like I said. Idiot. I keep thinking about his top five breakups. It's as good a framing method as any. In which case, my top five breakups, in chronological order:

  1. Death

  2. The Devil

  3. The Moon

  4. The Lovers

  5. The Hermit




The truth is, I really don't want to talk about Death. I really, super don't. There's... a lot there. But hey, Magician always says that it's okay if you need to skip over certain things. Wait until you're fully ready to deal with them.

So... The Devil...


	2. A Hint of Dawn

So... The Devil...

I was in college, I was out to pretty much everyone, on hormones, feeling pretty good. I decided to get my athletics credits out of the way as fast as I could. But I wasn't in the mood for track or basketball. Instead, I went for an introductory ballet class. And... there she was. This gorgeous redhead, with a freaking pompadour. Devil was on the softball team, but apparently still needed credits just like me. And you could tell; she was athletic and muscle-y and she moved like a real dancer, despite claims that she'd never done ballet before.

Me? I was all awkward and fumbling. I tripped over my own feet on more than one occasion. Nearly faceplanted into the mirrors on the wall, which would have been awful. So for a while there, I really thought she was just gonna keep being talented and mysterious. Until one day our instructor told us to work in pairs. And she asked me.

When we actually danced together, I didn't feel so much like a gangly idiot. I actually moved with some real grace. And when she lifted me? I nearly died. Devil picked me up like I was nothing!

Hm, I guess that's sort of ironic. Is that the right word? I feel like I don't know what 'ironic' actually means anymore. Anyway, she did eventually come to see me as nothing. So... that's something.

That didn't happen right away, though. I mean, for a long time, it was really good. Lots of making out, lots of sex. I would go to her games and cheer her on, while her teammates and friends gave me some serious side-eye. Whatever, we were in love and nobody was going to stop us. Maybe... Maybe once in a while she got a little bit too handsy, a bit overly rough. But that's just how some people like it, right? I just had to learn how to keep up. As simple as that.

Or anyway that's what I thought. This girl in a couple of my music classes, Fortune, we kinda got to know each other. The next thing I knew, I had a best friend. Fortune was as loyal as they came, and not just in a gross way where she did whatever I wanted her to, giving me rides to places and hanging out all the time. I mean that she seemed to... really legit care about me. Which was never more clear than the moment she told me I needed to break up with Devil.

We were in my room, watching a movie, and she suddenly paused it. I remember her giving me this really intense look. “Alright, I can't keep quiet on this anymore.”

“So serious,” I parried playfully, hoping that she was just being overly dramatic.

She wasn't. “Fool, I am serious. We need to talk about Devil. She's... She's not good for you.”

“What the hell are you talking about?? She's great!” I got defensive pretty immediately. I can admit that in retrospect.

“I'm not saying she's not great. My problem is with how _she_ treats _you_!” Fortune was up and pacing, frustrated. “I don't want to be judgmental here, okay? I've tried my hardest to let things go. But... you don't exactly seem happy together. She wants you to do some weird shit in the bedroom, and you've made it clear you're not into that. You're constantly sporting bruises. Fucking _bruises_ , Fool!”

And yes, she was right. Obviously she was right. I wouldn't be telling this story if she was wrong. I'd still be with Devil and I'd be miserable. But at the time, I was not okay with that. In spite of what Fortune had said, it did feel judgmental. We had sort of a falling-out after that. Devil comforted me for a while. Until I started noticing that maybe my friend was... Well, I already said it. I don't have to say it again. Or... do I? If this is a therapy thing.

Fortune was right. Devil was shit. But we really tried to stick it out. That was a truly miserable month. We never talked, definitely not about anything other than surface level crap. We didn't go places together, we just walked next to each other. The sex was less passionate, except when Devil decided to get a little rough. We were just killing time.

I hated admitting I was wrong, but I hated what we had become way more. So I went crawling back to Fortune. I probably cried a little bit. Maybe. Sorta. She sat with me while I called Devil to break up. And then I think I probably cried a bit more. And then Fortune suggested that we should go out dancing. So that's what we did.

* * *

You can't really say that me and Moon ever dated. Not the same way that I dated Devil. We met that night at the club.

Somewhere in the flashing lights and thumping music, I lost track of Fortune. In my search to locate her, I figured the bar might be the safest place to look. And of course, as long as I was there, I tried to get a drink. Who wouldn't? Probably normal people. The bartender was this buff, handsome dude. Approachable. Let's call him... Emperor.

“Hey, can I get a whiskey sour?” The important thing in these circumstances is to be confident. It also helps to have a fake ID. I only had one of those things. The big X on my hand was also sort of a dead giveaway.

He just laughed. It was friendly, but also kind of judgmental. “Sorry there, kiddo. Try again in a couple years and maybe then you can get that drink. But I appreciate the attempt.” He briefly diverted his attention toward another customer with a legitimate order. But to my surprise, he didn't completely shirk me, eventually coming back to check up on me. “Anything I can get ya? Water, soda?”

“No, I'm actually looking for a friend of mine. We kinda got separated by the crowd...”

“Aww, you're looking for a friend? I'll be your friend~” That wasn't Emperor. That soft voice came from a gorgeous woman surrounded by other gorgeous women. “You can call me Moon.” She motioned to the others. “Anndddd these are my girlfriends.” She introduced each one in turn. And you could sort of tell by the way she said it, and the body language. She wasn't saying it the way a straight girl says it. Or maybe I'm attuned to it because of my moms. Either way, I got it.

“Um, Fool. It's... It's really nice to meet you all!”

Moon just grinned at me. Like a predator. Not... I mean, not that kind of predator. Like a wolf or something. Like I was a tasty snack. And maybe that felt better than I was willing to admit. To be wanted, in a pure, carnal way. Hell yeah. “Nice to meet you. Very nice to meet you. I heard your little dilemma. What's this friend of yours look like?” I did my best to give an accurate description of Fortune. A couple of Moon's girlfriends nodded in understanding and went to find her. With that business out of the way, she turned her full attention back on me while her remaining lady hung on her arm and nuzzled into her lovingly. She looked like she was having a good time. Um, a very good time. My wonder and confusion didn't last long.

“I know that big old jerkface won't serve you. He's a bit too straight-edge. But there are other ways that you can loosen up and have a little fun. If you're interested~?”

Which is how I found myself in the women's bathroom trying ecstasy for the first time. I don't remember a lot after that. Of course. The only thing that really penetrated the fog of good vibes was a disastrous moment. A tune that, even through remixing, couldn't stop the wave of memories. Clair de Lune. The song that me and Devil first danced to. Our song. Somehow, through the tears and the noise I managed to explain this to Moon, along with probably too much other information. But she just kept right on dancing against me as if I'd told her my favorite color.

Kind of a double-edged sword. You felt like you could tell Moon almost anything. And that's awesome! I mean, Magician has that same quality. But... It's not because she's super empathetic. It's because nothing is really processing in her brain. She didn't actually care about anything really, other than having a good time.

Still, I was looking for a good time too. So I joined her merry band of lovers for a while. And it was certainly distracting. I didn't think about Devil anymore. I would bug Fortune for rides to the club so that I could hang out with her, get high, dance the night away. My grades suffered, I wasn't making much progress. But it was so damn gooooood. Maybe it wasn't love. But it was good.

It was what I needed. Definitely. And getting what you need is healthy.

Ugh, right. I'm in therapy. I should be reasonable about this. I didn't need any of it. I just wanted it. I wanted distraction, and thumping music, and dead eyes, and wasted weekends. I used, I got used. It was vicious.

And guess who figured it all out and brought me right back down to planet Earth? Fortune, of course. Like I said, that girl is so loyal. She saved me. The conversation wasn't so different from last time. She pointed out that I wasn't playing nearly as much music, and how much I'd been ignoring the world around me. Not to mention... just how much money I spent at the bar. Emperor too, he was often the one forcing me to drink water when I'd had a little bit too much fun.

“She's taking advantage of you, Fool.”

“No! I'm taking advantage of her!” I paused, immediately realizing that, oh yeah, that's the kind of thing a shitty person says. “Um. I don't mean that. I mean... We know what this is. It's fun.”

Fortune groaned. “It's obviously not fun. You look miserable all the time, except for the few brief hours when you're there and high. And even then, you don't look happy. You just look... less depressed.”

I didn't want to keep doing it. I knew that. I missed music, and real laughter, and feeling things. “...I don't... know how to do this. I'm such a goddamn idiot.” She hugged me, and for a moment I definitely did start to feel something again. Not... you know, great. But it was something.

“We'll go to the club one last time. We'll deal with this. And if that bitch tries to start something, I'm gonna get Emperor. And him, me, Justice, and Judgment are gonna deal with it.”

Before I knew it, I was laughing. “Who the fuck are Justice and Judgment?”

She held up her fists like a real pugilist. I laughed louder.

Of course, all of that was completely unnecessary. In fact, separating from Moon was about as easy as saying “We're through.” She just shrugged and continued dancing. Just like that.

Emperor took pity on me and served us each one drink. He's a good guy. I wish I had kept in better contact. I think he's a drummer.

Anyway, the story only gets worse from there. So... hold onto your hats.


	3. Too Tired to Revive

Um.

I think The Lovers were probably my biggest mistake. If you do the math. Devil hurt me. Moon used me. But The Lovers? They made it personal. Creepy.

I had graduated from college, made my way up the ivory tower and left with my degree. Me and Fortune got an apartment together in the big city. One night, the two of us went to some open mic thing. These two women did this... I don't know, spoken word thing? A lot of rhythmic snapping and rhyming bits about beauty and wonder. They were talented and hypnotic. I couldn't tear my eyes away. The only reason I broke out of my trance at all was because Fortune gave me a gentle shove on the shoulder.

"You're slack-jawed. You're flushed. You want to get with that. Either of that. Please, don't."

I feigned shock and offense. It was highly unconvincing. "How dare you! I... am simply contemplating going up to tell them how much I enjoyed their performance. And if they should want to share a drink with me, more's the better."

"Fantastic. I-" She got up from the table, sighing dramatically in a way that had become... probably a little bit too normal for her. "I cannot bear witness to this. I'll see you back at the apartment. Or hell, maybe you really will go home with them. In which case I guess I'll see you tomorrow afternoon?" I was having trouble telling how much of that was her being snarky, and how much of it was legitimate frustration. I'd been having that problem more and more frequently. I knew I was stretching the bounds of Fortune's ability to handle my nonsense.

I can understand it, now. But at the time, I was furious. "Yeah. Go. Whatever."

"See ya." That was all I got in return before she was gone.

Probably would have been reasonable if I just sat there and sulked for a while. But now, pretty much all I had was this stupid idea. So I was going to follow through with that. As I saw it, that was my only option. Gathering up my drink and knocking the entire thing back, I walked (read: stumbled) over to their table. I smoothly introduced myself.

"Heeeeeey ladies. That was real cool. Can I get you a drink?" Very smooth. Very cool. I was on my game.

The two looked at each other, and something passed between them. I didn't realize at the time how sinister it was. Wish I had. "No. But we'll buy you a drink, if you want." Parry, reversal, combo, knock out. Flawless.

And that was how I met The Lovers. You might think they were twins if you looked at them. But I found out over the course of the evening that they weren't. It was a lot more like meeting a woman and her clone, or her counterpart from an alternate universe. Their relationship wasn't incestuous, but it damn sure was masturbatory, and narcissistic. Two women who were very much like one another, and in dating, they reflected their love right back into themselves. It was fascinating. I couldn't look away.

You know, like a train wreck.

Fortune was right, I didn't go back to the apartment that night. I went home with them. When things escalated to the bedroom, I had that usual burst of panic for The Reveal. It had never happened to me, but there were plenty of horror stories about people finding out they're about to sleep with a trans woman and getting real gross or violent. I got... the opposite. Not the best outcome, but the other side of a shitty coin.

"Nah, baby girl, we think that's awesome."  
"We think that's beautiful."  
"You're beautiful."  
"Special."  
"Unique."  
"Now come to bed."

I can't tell you who said what. I can't tell you who did what. They operated as one, and it was amazing, and it was horrifying. You know. Like a train wreck.

When I finally returned to the apartment, Fortune didn't really give me the 'I told you so' thing. She didn't yell at me. She didn't really do anything. That was weird too. Normally, she was pretty open with me about everything. But now it seemed as though she was shutting me out. Which made me sink into The Lovers all the more instead.

We weren't dating, exactly. In name, we were. But it was a bit more like... they were dating each other, and I was their favorite little toy. It was only because of what my moms are like that I could recognize the difference. Not that I cared. I was wanted again. Really desperately wanted. They were constantly giving me compliments, which I needed bad at that point in my life.

The next thing I knew... Fortune had moved out. I couldn't possibly afford an apartment on my own, so... I moved in with The Lovers. I had my own room, but it was really just the place I dumped my stuff. I spent most nights in their bed. Over time, they got, somehow, more affectionate. Too affectionate. Creepy.

I was their doll. I was their plaything. I was their...

Nope. Nope nope nope. There are a lot of things I can do to push my recovery and therapy. I won't repeat those words. They started calling me straight-up slurs, the same way someone might call you a bitch or a cunt in the heat of the moment. But they were specific to my gender. Very, disgustingly specific.

I would love to say that I got out of there. I would fucking love to say that. But I didn't have Fortune by my side anymore. I didn't have anywhere else to go. That was my new home. And we were dating. I couldn't just leave. I stuck it out, for longer than I ever should have. Until the moment I broke. Mid-sex. Oh yeah. That was the true trainwreck. They called me The Slur. And I lost it. Sobbing, openly weeping. They tried to comfort me, but it absolutely didn't work. I didn't want to hear them say another word. I got... vicious. They'd made the mistake of complimenting me so much, I felt strong. Even if it came from a place of awful intentions.

"No. Fuck both of you. My turn to talk. You act like you're so in love with each other. But everyone can see that's bullshit. This is a relationship of convenience, a way for you to... to fuck yourselves. Some day, you're going to implode in on each other like a pair of dying, orbiting stars. And my only regret is that I won't be here to witness the supernova."

That was about all the Strength I had in me. So I slept in my own bedroom that night. The next day, I packed up all my shit, and I went home to hide.

At the time, I sort of thought it would be a temporary situation. A couple months at my moms' place to get back on my feet. That... didn't happen.

* * *

When you're really depressed and worn out, sometimes it gets a little easier to sink into something. A distraction. For me, it was The World. It's pretty much like any other MMO you've ever played. You run around fighting monsters and gathering materials and crafting things and all of that other stuff. Literally nothing made it stand out. And that was what I needed. A bunch of easily denoted goals. Check lists. XP. Stuff that you never ever have in real life, but would make things super nice.

But I kind of dove in too deep. I lost track of time. Those couple few months I was supposed to spend at my moms' turned into a year. And the only reason anything else happened was because of Hermit. Just this once, that's not even a nickname I came up with. Her name was literally Hermit64 in the game. It started out pretty simply. I was playing a sword-dancer kind of character, which was fun. But she was also sort of squishy. Hermit had this really cool tank gunslinger. We kept running into each other on raids, watching each others' backs. You learn to recognize the username, and before long you're searching them out.

We'd also hang out while doing other stuff. We'd banter over voice chat. But learning things about Hermit, it was tough. I didn't find out that she lived close to me because she told me the name of her town, or even the name of her state. It's because she mentioned ordering delivery from a local pizza joint, Chariot's.

In any normal situation, the two of us would probably go out somewhere to meet up. Say, at the place we both ordered from. But we were not normal people. Instead, the two of us just kind of... sat around her place, eating delivery, playing The World in the same room together. It was about as enriching as eating dirt. My moms were at least happy to know I was "getting back out there," never realizing that I was basically just being useless somewhere else.

We definitely hooked up. Multiple times. Always sort of lazy and meandering. A way to kill time, spend a few hours. I guess we were dating? It wasn't terribly clear. And being around Hermit in person didn't really make her any more likely to reveal much about herself. I definitely know her real first name, but even now, I still think of her as Hermit. That's usually what I called her.

Honestly, most of our conversations revolved around how bullshit the world was. We almost never talked about ourselves. We didn't share our stories, why we were so jaded, who had hurt us. Just that we were frustrated. It wasn't as if any of this ever drove us to, y'know, do something about it. What was the point? We were just a couple of nobodies. So to hell with it. Play The World, eat some Chariot's pizza, bitch about things, rinse and repeat.

We didn't split because of some dramatic reason. We didn't grow distant because we were never really close to begin with. It just... got boring. Hermit and me hung out less and less. I went back to sitting around my room doing nothing. I didn't even really go on The World anymore. I did... nothing. I was nothing. I was empty and tired.

And that was sort of the breaking point for my moms. We were having one of our usual awkward dinners when Empress finally cleared her throat and stared me down. "We... made you an appointment."

"Sorry, what?" Thinking about that night now, I must have looked like a mess. Probably hadn't showered in a few days, over-sleeping yet always tired. "Appointment?"

Heirophant smiled warmly, always the Good Cop. "With a therapist, sweetie. You need someone to talk to. To get all of this out of your system. Get some pavement under your feet. You have so much potential! And I know you just need a little bit of a bush, some momentum."

I looked between the three of them, eyes landing on Priestess. I thought maybe she would offer up some kind of alternate option. But instead she didn't say anything, only smiling sadly and nodding her head in agreement. This was happening. And I just... I didn't have it in me to actually fight it.

Which brings us more or less back around to the beginning. Leaving us with Death. And I still... I don't know. I'm not sure if I can think about her. Not because Death was the worst. That's the problem. She was the best. Maybe the only good thing. The one I really loved. The one I miss.


	4. Names Roll By Like A Movie

You know, if I had known that Magician was going to be reading this, I probably would have made at least a few changes to my artistic vision here. I thought I was writing a journal, not a fucking tell-all. But then when I tried to promise her I'd clean it up a little more, she told me that I should leave it exactly as it is. Because it's more authentic to who I am as a person. So. Messy it is.

But you already know that I'm just avoiding talking about things. It's what I've been doing this entire time. And I realized, after writing all this down, and talking more with Magician about it...

I didn't even realize what I was actually avoiding. I subconsciously left myself a little trail of breadcrumbs. Because when you get right down to it, Death is easy to talk about. We started dating when I was still in boy-mode, and when I came out to her, she was absolutely perfect. So easy and light. Reacting perfectly. Switching names, switching genders, taking me out shopping, helping me with make-up.

High school sweethearts. I never would have survived without her. She was the best. We met because I streetpassed her at school and we started trading pokemon and then discovered we shared the same taste in music. You could hang out with her, or you could get all philosophical and deep. She handled it all with the same style and grace. Our senior year, we went to prom together. I wore a cute dress, and she went in a suit, and no we didn't win any crowns or anything. But we had a fucking amazing time together and I still think about it every now and then.

And when we broke up, that was actually memorable and positive too. You're young and heading for your future, and suddenly your girlfriend tells you that she's going to college all the way across the country. And she holds your hands and she says that it's okay, and that you don't need to force yourself to try the long-distance thing. And that you should have fun because "wild hearts never die". Whatever the fuck that means. But you're young and idealistic and that sounds so beautiful and perfect. And you both cry and make out one last time.

So you see where I'm going with this, right? I mentioned High Fidelity at the top, and that's appropriate here. Little Death was in that top five because she meant so much to me, and I still miss her to this day. But mostly, it was to avoid the obvious realization.

Number five isn't Death. Fortune is. Congratulations, you made the list.

Writing each story out, there was one obvious through-line. Fortune had my back in a way that pretty much nobody ever had before. She legitimately cared about me, and she worked her goddamn ass off trying to keep me from doing stupid things. And when I kept doing stupid things, she realized that her energy was going to waste. Fortune did the only reasonable thing and left. I can't blame her for that, not even if I tried.

Each time I brought her up, it hurt. Really, legitimately hurt. And I don't even know if I think of our break-up as just a friend thing, or if maybe there were unresolved feelings there, or what. I can say this for certain, though: I fucked up royally there. The _kind_ of relationship doesn't matter. Fortune was an amazing person, and if I had to make a guess, she still is. She didn't deserve the shit I constantly dragged her through.

Good job, Magician. You've got me thinking I should work through my shit. For real. Not for myself, but because Fortune deserves to see her old friend again, and to hear me apologize, and... And all that other stuff. So I guess that's where I'm at now.

...dammit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was planning on this being the last chapter but then I decided to let this be its own little interlude.


	5. Right Back Into Her Groove

It went pretty much how you would expect, I guess. I sent Fortune a message online and basically laid it all out there.

_"Hey, so maybe you don't wanna hear from me. I'd completely understand that. But on the off-chance you don't totally hate my guts, I was hoping maybe we could go back to talking. Maybe someday if I'm lucky, we can hang out. And once pigs start sprouting wings, we could even be friends some day."_

I heard back from her sooner than I would have thought. "Fool, I don't hate you. I never did. Hah, but I was pretty fucking sick of your bullshit by the end there... So yeah. If you're no longer on said bullshit, then I'm okay with talking again. Play your cards right and maybe we could hang again someday. But you're gonna owe me big-time for how you acted."

By that point, I sort of thought that we'd probably shoot a few messages back and forth, and then things would fizzle out. Because that was what I deserved, in the end. Only that didn't happen. We kept... talking. And we shared old stories and laughed about them. We started meeting up for coffee and shit. And then we started watching movies together and sort of chilling and...

For a little while there, things were super easy. And it was great. Felt a little bit like old times, but just the good stuff, without the bad.

But obviously that couldn't go on forever. Sooner or later we had to have The Talk. We were out at dinner one night, gorging on Chinese food. Suddenly Fortune gave me that look again, the same one she used to when it meant the time had come to get serious. But considering I wasn't actively doing anything stupid this time, it didn't feel quite so bad. "So can I ask what the hell happened?" She didn't really look angry. Mostly she just looked a bit sad.

"There's no point in making excuses. I was selfish and I didn't realize that a good friend mattered more than an engaging relationship."

"Ew, that's so cheesy," she fired back at me with a smirk. Which... was kind of hot. I think that was the moment where I sort of knew that eventually I'd want to push my luck with her.

I smirked right back. "Doesn't make it less true. I fucked up, and there's not really like a good way to get around that fact. I'm just glad you were cool with hanging again." Sorta thought maybe I saw her face glowing a little. But then I figured I was just imagining things.

* * *

I kept right on imagining things. I imagined things as we moved into an apartment together. I imagined things as we curled up on the couch and watched movies. I imagined things when we had jam sessions.

Then, one night, splitting a significant amount of booze, she kissed me. I kissed her back. We kissed. It was fucking fantastic. Unlike maybe anything since Death. Soft and warm and... like home. By the time it ended, we were both breathless and laughing. "Um, how long have you been wanting to do that?" It was a stupid question and I probably shouldn't have asked it.

"Since those twins or whatever they were? I think maybe that's why I was so angry..."

Oof. That hit me a little harder than I'd been expecting. All that time she'd been having all these complex feelings for me? And I completely blew her off and let her leave my life. I started to get a little worked up, feeling like a massive asshole. After all, it wasn't until after writing this journal thing that I even figured things out. What if I wasn't as legit as her? What if my feelings dissipated over time and I hurt her again?? I couldn't even put these things into words, just sitting there wide-eyed and hyperventilating.

At which point Fortune kissed me again and played with my hair and let me work through my shit. And she was so patient and...

Okay, so I don't wanna get into the dirty details here considering we're still together now. I'll leave that part of things alone. Needless to say she doesn't care if I understood my feelings a little later.

We kept playing together, eventually forming a band with some other old college friends. Star, who was an absolute delight. I call her that cuz she's bright as they come. And Temperence, who I didn't actually know as a girl in college. She didn't come out until after graduation. It was so nice to be close to someone else who could understand what being trans was like. Before long, we had ourselves a full band. Star and Temperence were already seeing each other, and it was honestly only natural that they kind of... Well, y'know. It's the four of us now. And it finally feels like my life is coming together. Not because I was dating the right person or anything. Fortune and the others help. But it's because I was finally forced to learn from my bullshit.

And I did. So... here's to you, Magician. My gold-rank therapist. And my moms too, for pushing me to it in the first place.

Forgetting some of the shitty things that I went through in the past, there are just as many wonderful people in my life keeping me sane and healthy. I don't know how I could ever thank them enough.


End file.
